The Big Announcement


I didn’t impregnate my wife so you people could ruin everything I created

– Me

I’m sorry it took so long folks but it’s here. You can expect the logical Zapawork Russian Politics follow-on article any day! As many of you know, I haven’t been playing the game for a while. I was a lot more active than it seemed over the past seven years, but the last year or two I’ve taken a break. Recent events however have kindled a new interest and I’ve decided to return and while I’m pretty thrilled about it that’s going to be a bit unfortunate for some people.

To answer the obvious question no, I am not joining the Imperium or Goonwaffe and nothing’s going to change that. I’ll explain why by way of a story but prior to that I want to make something clear. I’m not going to get involved in personal attacks though I am not Jesus and will not turn the other cheek. I will have to speak to why I’m bothered but I’ll endeavour to keep it impersonal. On to the pleasantries!

When we started Goonfleet it really was just a bunch of idiots in space being idiots. We had some degree of organization and some really smart and talented people but at the end of the day no real plans aside from farting around in a space game. It was hilarious and funny and so much identity came from what was forged then, completely by mistake, by a man named remedial who would live forever in our hearts as the scumbag lawyer we needed. We got picked on by some bigger folks but we were really just a bunch of idiots. Then comes BoB and if you want a fictionalized version of that entire story you can read a mittani post, dark horse comic book or that kickstarted thing.


Regardless of what happened our core was always that shared culture, cause and the irreverence of it all. We had fun and enjoyed each other’s company. That was what was important. We fought that war with BoB not because Molle had surrounded himself with super serious bushido warriors but ultimately because he took us away from our space farting. We were not allowed to retain our innocence and in return we became the monster BoB said we were. We built coalitions and we fought for more than 5 years to an ultimate victory in Delve after Haargoth disbanded the alliance after XTTZ determined it could be done, I took their name and we spent many months taking every piece of territory they had created. After Delve fell BoB as an idea or as a construct was dead forever. Not a week later. Not 5 years later. The day their final tower fell in Delve.

The context here is important because it helps to express my problem with the current state of affairs. Over the course of the great war I became very weary of dealing with the big boy details of maintaining space relationships with people who annoy me and aren’t funny or interesting. This lead me to some decisions regarding what the future of the alliance would be that weren’t compatible with its form at the time or the coalition that had been built. I couldn’t own it completely at the time due to fresh children and so I handed it off once I made sure it could walk and left. What became of it was the polar opposite of what my vision had been.

The Imperium is a shit show. It can’t decide if it’s a Goon alliance (best estimate is about… 200 goons in the alliance), a business spanning multiple videogames or a space alliance. As a whole for the past few months the alliance’s leadership have just made shit decision after shit decision alienating people who were their staunchest allies. A post on Reddit makes you The Enemy. A question about the validity of a decision is tantamount to betrayal. Being sick and away from the space game for a few weeks is grounds for removal and having the temerity to be a successful EX-CEO automatically makes you an existential threat due to the paranoia and insecurities of the man-children at the top who’ve been getting fat eating other people’s pies. Offer up “hilarious” support to a CSM candidate who, aside from being a deplorably distasteful person who has been on record advocating computer crimes, crimes against minors and mocking a goon whom some of us were very close with who is no longer here? My protestations against this for the above reasons went ignored by people I thought friends as my word was clearly not as trustworthy as this human garbage.


I have always said that I will ensure a place for Goons in EVE. Every single time there has been a situation where that has been threatened I have come back, sometimes not quite so overtly, and helped ensure that this remained the case. My People do not include the current crop of pubbies trying to out-edgy each other by suggesting or engaging in activities so cringeworthy and unfunny that I’m actually ashamed and that is a fairly foreign emotion to a man who has snorted wasabi for money on the regular. My People are SA Goons and those who qualify by way of cultural compatibility. As to the rest, who gives a shit?

With all of that in mind today I’d like to announce the creation of a new organization within EVE that will seek to right some of these wrongs. I have no illusions of being a day one powerhouse. I have no desire right now to be a powerhouse. Over the long term we will grow to destroy only insofar as it suits our amusement. Over the short term we will annoy any and all who can be. We have no gods and no masters. We will set standings only as required for benefit to us or those who we deem worthy. We will do as we please, when we please and with whom we please. No timesheets no clubbin’.

Today we create the Ten Dollar Bond. An EVE Online corporation held together by nothing more than a fat old man’s dream and a whole bunch of people’s willingness to pay $10 or find someone who will that’s dumb enough to sponsor them.


It’s not going to be easy or even really done all that well. We are standing up auth services for mumble and jabber but they’re probably going to be mildly fucked up. We have enough money to keep ourselves in budget-level roaming ships for a very long time. We have a forum with no skin and an animated gif of a guy making it rain because it was the first pic I came across I liked. We have (far too many lol thanks for the patch notes) offices in NPC Delve where we will live for the time being and we have a ragtag group of misfits whose sole desire is to poke EVE in the eye, then ask “are we there yet?” all fucking day long.

The polish (not the Polish even though they’re cool too) will come over time as tends to happen as history is crafted. We will establish a method for retrieving member assets trapped in squandered space. I have long term goals that will be shared once we’ve begun gelling and I can see who we have with us and I have a plan for how we can continue to grow from without but in a fashion that is healthy. If we can’t kill them we will breed them out. If we can’t breed them out we’ll annoy them until they go away. If we cannot obtain what we want we will pretend we did.

I have no interest in shooting whatever The Imperium is at this point in time. We will offer to set standings for a time to reduce the drama that will come from goon on goon violence if necessary but I do not find that shitheap to be something I’d associate with over the long term in any way. I’d like to invite those of you who, like myself, don’t find the current spaceship-guild-as-a-business model palatable to join us. Instructions can be found at in the auth forum. We are currently only accepting apps from SA goons. I’m not going to spend 30 minutes per app scrutinizing all of your posts so if any shitheads sneak through we’ll just kill you and kick you out.

If you don’t want to join us I understand. Sometimes it’s hard to throw away that shitty Roger Garden baseball card you bought when you were sure he’d make the majors. Whenever you decide you’d like to live a little we’ll be here.

Darius “The RZA” JOHNSON

Note from the editor: The preceding is a submission from Darius JOHNSON. It has been minimally edited in order to preserve the author’s intention with this statement.

Tags: Darius Johnson, goons, Imperium

About the author


Darius JOHNSON is the former two-time CEO of Goonfleet / Goonswarm Federation, a former CCP developer (CCP Sreegs) and former CSM 1 & 2 member.

  • Liner Xiandra

    ..but do you offer SRP?

  • Erasmus Grant

    Is not JavaJunky the head of GSOL which is at partially responsible for the Imperium being what it is currently?

    • Zaand

      Java left goons several years ago now, and not on good terms.

      • Erasmus Grant

        Did he give a speech about GSOL at EVE Vegas 2014? I would not call 2 years several.

        • Darius JOHNSON

          He left a few months ago and he’s helping us, yes. Some people seem to have a problem with that but he’s always been good to me and that matters to me a bit more than what anyone else thinks.

          • Distracted

            Java is a cool guy & a good friend.

          • Erasmus Grant

            I started playing during Fanfest 2014. A couple months later friend linked me the video when I was talking about how the military organizes things. I have a hard on for people who can organize and get shit done. I never interacted with him in-game but he seems intelligent and good dude. Just wondering what was gonna be different about 10dollarbond if you going to have some of the same people, people that seem to have a degree to shaping the current Imperium. Nothing personal against him, I am not really into the personal attack thing on the internet, just skeptical.

  • Montolio Was Right

    Mittens is gonna go full David Koresh in the compound at this news.

    • Ashesofempires

      But…I thought they kissed and made up a few weeks ago.

      Oh wait, that was just more of his delusions.

      Also, it’s kind of hard to parse whether or not DJ is referring to The Mittani, Sion Kumitomo, or Digi, when he’s talking about GSF leadership. Probably a mix of all three, but w/e.

  • GrouchyOldGamer

    TrueGoonioun Corp

  • Armyofme

    Quick question that ive been wanting to ask since u left Goons, did you leave willingly or was it a mittens ragethingy?

    • Darius JOHNSON

      I left the first time (for PL) because Sesfan and I didn’t get along, my fault totally, and we decided in The Star Chamber which was basically the spy/diplo room at the time, that it was of value to our burgeoning relationship with PL that I spend some time there and away from the alliance for a bit. They were our best of friends until Shamis and I had a falling out over ISRAD, which in fairness I mismanaged terrible but in my defense my dudes were leaving to sleep with my best friend instead and they were shooting my guys while blue doing it.

      The second time was because my son was born and I didn’t have time to play eve at that level for the 12 or so hours a day required.

      The third time was because I was going to work for CCP to start a security team. I still lurked in GF as an alt during this time.

      I helped mittens with TMC for years.

      I walked out on my own this time as well though perhaps less gracefully.

      • Armyofme

        lol, well gracefull and goons have never been two words that go well together =)

        Good luck, and who knows, i might run into you in delve

  • Armyofme

    Oh ps, one more thing. Can you start posting on Caod again, cause we all know that forum subsection needs all the help it can get

  • IC Wiener

    If DJ is RZA does that make Mittens the Method Man? Cash moves everything around me…

  • Dreiden Kisada

    So you’re doing the DelveGoons version of Groon. Huh, I had you pegged as joining PL.

    • Zappity

      What do you mean? There is a thread on SA.

      • Darius JOHNSON

        he jumped the narrative gun

      • Dreiden Kisada

        I didn’t see his thread till after I posted this response. Also, he hadn’t posted anything on SA for weeks prior to his bold lighting of the true flame of goonyness.

        • Darius JOHNSON

          given your attention to detail i’m pretty sure we all understand that you’re not exactly johnny on the spot

          • Dreiden Kisada

            There is a button on the SA forums that shows you previous posts by any user. But, since you don’t really use those forums very much I guess you wouldn’t know about that.

          • Ivana Twinkle

            Keep digging dude.

  • splockster

    well done sir , well done. We or “bob” as you like to call us miss the oldschool goon, an entity one could fight with and be annoyed by, local trash talk, references to male genitalia and fofo. Thank you sir for coming back…. some wrongs need righting .
    WB o7

    A finfleet line member

    • Darius JOHNSON

      to be fair you were in the only good corp in bob

  • BarryFromEastEnders

    You are my Phil Mitchell.

    • MarleneBoyce

      He’s my Boycie.

    • MarleneBoyce

      He’s my Boycie

  • Zaand

    This may be the single hardest decision I’ve ever had to make…

    • Marco Vujević

      If its a hard decision, stay with mittens. you belong there.

      • Gabdube

        If it was just a choice between Mittens and DJ, of course the decision wouldn’t be a hard one. The thing is, Goonswarm isn’t just Mittens. It’s also all the folks who have managed to put up with what the alliance became over the years, and those poor sods who may have gotten accustomed to it.

  • Kimpaz


  • I always thought Goonies were good people at heart. That’s not to say getting popped by them when I’m minding my own business isn’t a pisser, but hey. “Don’t fly what you can’t afford to lose”, amiright?

    • Marco Vujević

      Good People? Seriously? No, but the old school goons were annoying fools, who at least (most of the time) knew the line between them and being total assholes. I’ll gladly take them back over the abomination of goon we have nowadays.

      • Marcus

        Goons really are not that different now compared to then, times have changed is what it is. They were making fun of peoples departed friends and family during for instance the great war, just like they do now.

        The biggest difference is most of us are not sixteen years old anymore, and most of us have lost friends and family, and have a different perspective of what is funny. Then there is the whole thing with Mittani, and Sion making multiable dollars and shitting on the community at large for not kickstarting a book with a target budget that was just absurd.
        As the figurehead he (and Sion) make the goons look like complete fucking idiots with spazlike post like the one I just mentioned, and the insanely idiotic back and forth they have kept up with on Twitter with CCP, and their employee’s. They come off looking five year olds, and I legit think that they think that CCP owes them for playing EVE.

        • Gabdube

          The membership of goonswarm did change. A lot of goons don’t play anymore, and many of those who still do have joined other alliances. There are also many “non-goon” corps that have joined Goonswarm, for various reasons.
          The playerbase is thus obviously different. I wouldn’t say if it’s better or worse. The leadership is definitely worse though.

      • TheArtificer

        Agreed. Back in the very old days (when Fountain to Yulai via Aridia was a thing and Fountain was still held by Fountain), I never had a problem backing goons. Hell, I remember when a ‘goon fleet’ was three hundred guys in noob ships and the battles were actually fun.

    • smokingman

      The goons of old were assholes as well, just not as megalomaniac.

    • Gabdube

      Good people at heart? Yeah, there were good people, and there still are, though that varies from person to person.
      But the membership of goonswarm did change. A lot of goons don’t play anymore, and many of those who still do have joined other alliances. There are also other corps that have joined Goonswarm, for various reasons.
      The playerbase is thus technically different. I wouldn’t say if it’s “better” or “worse”. The leadership is definitely worse though.

  • John Zastrow

    serious business

  • 314hilyfekid

    come to delve if you wanna, i’ll kick your ass back to where you came

    • Loyalanon

      Take it easy bro, you mad?

      • BuckStrider

        you banned?

        • Darius JOHNSON

          I’ve been in delve for a week chilling next to vandee yarr

        • LeMassante

          Oooh, he banned!

      • Clearly Stupid

        Take it easy lad, 2008 wants their memes back

        • lolz

          “U Mad?” Is more like a mid 90’s thing. It’s comical how many people think they are clever using it.

  • McCool

    Have fun

  • Mark Artreides

    Be aware of DJ posting goatse when he gets mad.

  • Sackman

    You sound like a kid fresh out of high school who goes back and says “man this school use to be better in my day, i wish it was the same” times change, just because its not stagnant doesnt mean its shitty or bad. If you truly didnt wanna see it change then you shoulsnt have left eh? Quit ur whining.

    • Mittani

      mittaniswarm is shitty though

    • Joseph Blade

      So if things were objectively better in the past, you shouldn’t mention this? Also ‘then you shouldn’t have left’ really doesn’t work with your highschool analogy. CFC has in fact been stagnant for years.

    • James

      Spoken like a new player. He’s been their pretty much the whole time, and only started to speak up when Mittani started just multi-dollar ambitions, and his Nazi right hand man went all Sionlike.

    • GoonHighCommand

      He is the kid from class that left the other guys playing in the yard and went home to read for years. Now he wants to come back, which is ok, but now is an evolved shithead that believes he deserves to be their leader, because he used to be cool. Right. Cool story.

      Also smart people around here will soon find out this is the only way the goon $$ empire will not burn into an ash-pile. DariusJ is more involved than he admits, in various TMC “activities”. Or did anyone think he’s doing all this for Goon e-honor?

  • DaiTengu

    Fuck, I find myself agreeing with Darius “FUCK YOU, CAT!” JOHNSON. again.

  • ROAR Exodus

    It’s Good to see Nullsec players in gewns finally have a place to go that isn’t lowsec. Why not open the floodgates to all members of the swarm?

    • James

      B/c he isn’t going to lie like Mittins, and pretend non-goons are equals to goons. If you are such a tryhard goon, just keep paying tribute to goon peppers under Mittani’s banner.

  • Anon

    Wow, this is so wrong on many levels.
    So let me put it straight: you expect people (the “good goons”) to pay you 10 bucks to join your corp while you promise basically nothing, no SRP or whatever? Why not asking an ISK to join to set up something that benefits the members, not your own pocket?
    Anyone who joins that corp must be out of his mind,

    On the other side, it would be hilarious to find out, that this is just an elaborate ruse that you set up with mittens to purge the old GSF from “unloyal members” and scam them for 10 bucks at the same time 🙂

    • Ash Golding

      Or perhaps the ’10 bucks’ is a reference to the cost of being a member on SA…
      Just a thought…

    • AdrianAucoin

      Uh… That’s how the OG Goons got started. They all paid $10 to register a forum account on SA at some point. The “good goons,” as you call them, would have done that years ago. I don’t think you understand how that process works at all.

      I remember playing SWG (first real MMO I played) and PvPing against their guild. It was a hell of a lot of fun, although I never did find my last profession to master… damn Holocrons.

    • Darius JOHNSON

      I have to pay for the yacht parties somehow mr anon

    • Gabdube

      Uh, the thing you were supposed to understand from the name “Ten Dollar Bond” is that the “bond” between its members was that they are all members of Something Awful (which is where Goons originally come from). SA is a private forum that costs 10$ to join (unless, as stated, “someone is dumb enough to sponsor them” in). Their community existed well before some goons decided to start playing Eve Online.

  • drake

    Hey Darius. Sounds like you wanna create a more pure version of the goon. An Übergoon maybe. This whole thing sounds to me like social dariunism. Do you wanna follow Spacestalin-Mittens or just create your own drama ?. You’re too old for this shit.

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  • Dalael

    I for one am glad you’re creating this corporation for ~truegoons~ since now all the people who, much like you, have not matured after 10 years will finally have a home where they still think that sniffing wasabi is funny and making goatsee post is considered acceptable. You’re like the guy nobody’s seen since highschool and then shows up at a reunion after 30 years and literally has not changed. Its fucking embarassing to be honest. I find it hilarious that you still believe that paying 10bux to join a forum somehow makes you better than others or means that you share a “culture” with others.

    • Gabdube

      Does being subbed to Eve make you part of some kind of community? Pretty much, yeah. It makes you spout lingo that no outsider to the community will ever understand. SA is just an entirely different kind of community. Wether the 10 bucks are actually worth it is a whole other matter though.

  • Africanus

    Will you allow The Mittani to join this new organization if he were to apply? If yes, then it what role?

  • Kama Kairade

    While I disagree with DJ on a number of things, anything that pulls pilots away from the Imperium is a win.

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  • ExCEO

    You should stay home taking care of your wife, children and friends. The time of childish video games is long time passed for you, old man.

    Coming back to this crap will not make you young again. ex-BoBs finally won with Goon’s weapons: numbers and diplomacy. Like Band of Brothers, the Goon’s brand is so burned now, there will be no come back. One of the things you are right about is that Imperium made most of their allies and friend go away.

    Its extremmely sad for some guys like me who have been loyal allies for years, taking shit from everyone to defend goon, building a stronger alliance and coalition, trying to recruit from outside despite the crap making a bad name to us, and find out that we were considered as expandable unpure, non-SA shit by top brass. Including you.

    I tought they were wrong. I gave all the chances I could. I did not listened the hostiles. And here we are.

    And no, farting and trashtalk is not a culture.

    • Gabdube

      Well, Goonswarm was always an SA thing first and foremost. A community thing. (I don’t think you can really call it a culture whilst keeping a straight face either, but that’s not even the point.)
      Building a whole coalition of non-goons under it (instead of around it) to hold sov like shitty renter-emperor wanna-bes was a really stupid mistake; but moreso, it was a very un-goony mistake. (Not that being a non-goon is a bad thing in itself. It’s just that this is very out-of-character for goons.)

      The way I remember it, things were much less shitty back in the RedSwarmFederation years, due to coalitions being meant as “a loose but friendly alliance of like-minded individuals in the pursuit of common goals” instead of “monolithic power blocs bound by sov”.

      AFAIK, the whole point of being a goon is that goons “do their own thing”, it’s community-building based on relative exclusivity, not superiority. If a goon claims inherent superiority, he/she is either a fucking idiot, or a terribly misguided bee, or both. Hell, it’s called “Something Awful” for a reason.

      One of the main motivators during the Great War was the purpose of dethroning elitists who claimed superiority and took the game way too seriously (hypocritical e-honor bushido bullshit). That stuff is unfun. Unfun is bad. Unfun gets the meat grinder.

  • TheArtificer

    Darius, this is the frit time I na long time I’ve actually considered taking you up on something.

  • Fletcher dale