Badger

HEALTH ADVISORY: Space Rabies Outbreak

 

Disease has come to Deklein. Our empire is besieged on all sides by the rabid, slavering hordes of the “Money Badger Coalition”.  Make no mistake, capsuleers; these badgers are dangerous, but their affliction is one that is easy to see and diagnose, once you know what symptoms to look for. Remember, there is no cure for rabies, and if you see someone who is presenting the signs, you must be merciful, and help to ease their suffering.  If everyone does their part, we can stem the tide of the disease that is ravaging our borders.

HEALTH

Know what to look for!

How can you tell if a neutral is just a neutral, or if they are a suffering Rabid MoneyBadger, you might ask. Look for the following symptoms: Vomiting, Agitation, Confusion, Hallucinations, and Excessive Salivation.

This nonsense includes, but is not limited to, terribly formed ASCII dinosaurs, contradictory statements which both beg for attention while asking you to ignore them, and links to poorly crafted image macros declaring a victory that has yet to happen.

The Rabid Money Badger may be seen vomiting nonsense into the ‘Local’ chat channels while roaming around in our space.  This nonsense includes, but is not limited to, terribly formed ASCII dinosaurs, contradictory statements which both beg for attention while asking you to ignore them, and links to poorly crafted image macros declaring a victory that has yet to happen.  If you encounter a capsuleer exhibiting these symptoms, DO NOT PANIC, remember, they are suffering from a disease and cannot stop themselves.  Do your best to ignore the massive amounts of text vomit streaming from their orifices while you do the right thing and ease their suffering by exposing their pods to the vacuum of space. This kills the pilot, and helps to stem the tide of the disease.

Agitation and confusion are easy to spot as well, and often go hand in hand.  Infected Money Badgers who have not been reduced to the vomit spewing creatures mentioned above, will instead fill the local channels with what appear to be well formed sentences. DO NOT BE FOOLED. These miserable wretches think they’re speaking in well-formed statements, dripping with venom that will cut you to your very core. More likely than not, they are just repeating vitriol which they have been fed by others, deeper in the throws of rabies induced madness. “Get rekt noobs”, “M-O wasn’t a trap”, “Imperium is failcascading”, and “Dat slope” are all examples of things their rapidly deteriorating minds think are well formed concise attacks at our morale.

Sarin1
Individually, these hallucinations are small things, such as seeing themselves as liberators and conquerors rather than as the sick, wretched creatures they are slowly becoming.

The specific strain of rabies that infects the Money Badger seems to have a rare shared hallucination component. Individually, these hallucinations are small things, such as seeing themselves as liberators and conquerors rather than as the sick, wretched creatures they are slowly becoming.  Together though, these hallucinations include seeing “Cracks in the wall” of The Imperium. They see us coming apart at the seams, fighting each other, and backstabbing one another as often as we can.  These vivid hallucinations deny them the ability to see the strength that makes up the core of the Imperium, the bonds that keep us together in tough times.  We may lash out at one another with words, but those words have little meaning behind them, they are born from a shared culture which thickens our skins and wards us against weakness. Remember, it’s best not to try and interact with a rabid animal. Either avoid it, or put it out of its misery.

Yeller

The last symptom of this debilitating disease is Excessive Salivation.  This is largely taking the form of rapid fire postings on r/Eve. Our enemies literally cannot prevent themselves from shit-posting, for fear of the massive amounts of drool coming from their diseased mouths overwhelming them. Prolonged contact with shit-posting of this magnitude can cause mental deterioration and severe eye trauma. Please take care if you find yourself exposed to these excretions and make sure to take proper sanitary measures after each contact.  

Remember, the keys to keeping yourself from becoming infected: Be alert, if you see a suspicious character in local, tell someone!  If you can destroy the infected pilot safely, do so immediately, as a precaution and as a mercy.  The Imperium stands firm because of our actions, and together, we can rid New Eden of this disease!

Tags: Imperium, karmafleet, Sarin Blackfist, World War Bee

About the author

Sarin Blackfist

Sarin Blackfist is a linemember with Karmafleet, part of the Imperium.

  • Rob Kaichin

    So can we shitpost on Crossing Zebras as well?

    I have 88 pages of gibberish which Sion posted.

  • Lump Sharkboard

    Ha! Love this. A humorous, and well deserved dig at those merc sumbags.

  • callduron

    Grrr froth drool grrr goans grrr grrr slaver grrrrr grrrr KICKSTARTER!!!!! grrrr grrrr slurgle froth grrrrrrrrrrrr goooooooons.

  • ummmmm

    STOP THE PRESSES!!!!
    The New Eden Universal Health Organisation would like to issue the following statement;
    Unfortunately, have to confirm, Space Rabies is a real present danger.
    This disease was thought to of been contained, when strain “A” was detected within the capsuleer known as “The Mittani”, who subsequently infected the entire Imperium.
    Strain A is particularly recognisable as it caused the infected to think exactly what has been originally posted here.
    Our scientists are working on developing a vaccine, but at present there is no known cure. Inorder to prevent this disease from spreading to the rest of New Eden, we highly recommend a shoot on sight approach, when dealing with members of the Imperium in low and nul sec space.
    If you come across the infected in high sec, we recommend you avoid them & report sightings to your local New Eden Universal Health Organisation office.