Don’t Believe It


Let us not beat around the bush here people. Something serious is afoot. Something that is hiding in plain sight and is an existential threat to us all. This will be a difficult story to tell and there will skeptics amongst you. All this humble carebear can do is present you with the salient facts of the matter and ask that you give this some deep thought. For the gate campers amongst you, simply any thought will do. We all afterall have to start somewhere.

So it might not have escaped your attention that the Eve erm… gestalt has been a little tetchy of late? To be clear, I really don’t want rummage around the cavernous orifices of latest drama du jour. Why? Well if your considered opinion is “Duh, it’s ‘narrative’ because content dumbass”, my slightly less considered riposte would be “Aha! That’s exactly what they want you to think!” This possibly accompanied with an uncontrollable facial twitch.

You see the whole debacle has been just a little bit too newsworthy and a little too convenient don’t you think? I mean all the usual suspects seem to have taken to their respective roles like ducks to water. Words have been said. Leaks have been leaked and alternative words for “community” have been teased out of the thesaurus. Just a bit too smooth, almost like a script was being followed. But for what purpose? Is there something else going on?

Wormholers naturally understand this scenario. Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence. Just because a hole looks empty, doesn’t mean it is empty. Time to put the CSI probes out and hunt for some evidential anomalies. I take one for the CZ team, hold my nose and trawl through the TMC website. It’s a dirty job, but someone has to do it. It’s no easy task either. Lots of acceleration gates to all sorts places you really didn’t realise you needed to go to. The web equivalent of snakes and ladders if you like. Fun in a not fun sort of way. This is of course to be expected because the meta is strong in these people and their ways are devious.

This took many days and I did fear for my sanity suffered. I came across many artifacts and followed many false trails. I had almost given up hope when I sensed a foul and acrid odour. Initially mistaking this for the works of Sion I dug deeper. Finally, there it was. Brown and steaming. A work of evil alchemy entitled “How To Min/Max Your Coffee

Don’t be fooled by how innocuous this title sounds. Stop snorting, stifle those hoots of derision and think about it. At peak drama, the TMC put this article out. Subconsciously, they tell EVERYONE to drink coffee. Why? The answer is simple. To stop people drinking tea of course you numpties. This has been the sinister plan all along. What? Do I really have to join the dots? Really?


OK, I will explain this in baby steps just for you. This does involve history so do please try and keep up.

1) Tea drinking dates is first recorded in the 3rd century AD, but likely originates from the Chinese Shang Dynasty (1556 to 1046 BC).

Note: China is one of the world’s oldest continuous civilizations.

2) The Chinese establish diplomatic and trade relations with the Roman Empire sometime between (27 BC and 14 CE).

Note: The now tea fueled Imperium goes on to reach its largest extent between this point and 117 AD

3) By the 15th Century the Eastern Roman (Byzantine) Empire enters its final decline as it loses access to the Silk Road and the tea carried along it to the tea guzzling Ottoman Empire. The tea drought ensures the Imperium become the vassals of the Ottomans and Constantinople ultimately falls in 1453.

4) You thought the Vikings were tough? Not when the Ottomans were about. They go on to cause havoc as their empire and influence expands to the extent that they even raided Iceland. They reach the gates of Vienna in 1529 but got no further. Why? Because at the southern extremities of their empire they have discovered coffee. From this, the poison spreads and the empire goes into terminal decline as coffee starts coursing through their veins. It is no coincidence they are eventually routed in Austria by the tea drinking Polish Winged Hussars.

Sensing a trend perhaps? I’ve not even started.

5) Early 17th Century, Portugal establishes the tea trade port and it quickly spreads across the world. But not in England because it is wired on coffee and is frankly in a bit of a mess. Portugal then goes and blows it by making Brazillian coffee a thing.

6) By the 1650’s, England bows to the inevitable and starts quaffing considerable amounts of tea in what were coffee houses. The effect is immediate as they quickly pick a fight with the Dutch and eventually aquire New York for their troubles. Encouraged by this they go on to build an empire that covered a quarter of the world’s land surface before it got too boring to continue.

Still not convinced? Something more modern?

World War Two. Well obviously the victors were countries that appreciated a decent cuppa. This included the Soviet Union (Tea), UK (Tea), China (Tea). The US who only started playing half way through (coffee flavoured dishwater – useful for demonstrating Brownian Motion but little else) so don’t really count. Japan (Tea) might seem problematic since technically they surrendered. However, they actually kept on fighting until 1974 and therefore outlasted everyone.


Similarly, Finland also can be easily explained. Yes they are the largest coffee drinkers in the world. Somehow they manage to consume 12kg per person a year. But they also have the highest number of saunas per capita. So clearly they just sweat it out before it takes effect. And they did start on the wrong side initially. And had blue swastikas painted on their planes. Just saying. I don’t even need to mention the Korean or Vietnam wars. Tea supremacy. ‘Nuff said.

So we have got the mechanism – The Mittani.Com. We have the motive – complete and utter domination of the universe (or failing that, Nullsec). We have the ruse – a contrived drama about a book, and most important we have now successfully deduced the weapon – coffee for the purpose of compromising the metabolism and effectiveness of the enemy. Well done us. However, the final piece of the jigsaw is still missing. Who is the scoundrel behind this operation?

It is natural enough to want point the trembling finger at the Mittani. The Mittani is certainly an intelligent yachtsman and fully capable of such a deed. Note how he astutely identified those intelligent women in Cloud Ring for example. Genius. Well ok, precise gender recognition might not be his forte but that is minor detail. And this is the point. He is a very busy overlord so obviously has to delegate the details and ideas to others. Something he generously and transparently shares with his people when things occasionally go wrong. So I had to dig a little deeper if I were to find the subordinate responsible. Again the question, who could it be?


If I was to have any chance of attaching the word “gate” to this scandal then unquestionably I would have to try and stand in the shoes of Woodward and Bernstein and find the smoking gun. The mantra in my head was telling me to “follow the beverage!” After a long and detailed search of the internet for all the suspects, using sophisticated state of the art algorithms, I finally hit the jackpot and found a twitter profile. Three chilling words and a name. The name of the heinous individual who had to be behind this ghastly plot. The shocking words were… “I enjoy tea”. The name… Sion.

So my people, I hereby rest my case. There can be no doubt that tea is the drink of the successful warrior while coffee is the drug of the loser. Don’t do it kids. Now perhaps you understand the true lengths the Imperium are prepared to go to in order to achieve their objectives. Oh, and you gate campers at the back. See me afterwards and I will explain it again using crayons this time.

Tags: conspiracy, history, Imperium, luobote kong, Sion

About the author

Luobote Kong

For reasons that are not entirely clear, Luobote Kong is an anachosyndiclist carebear explorer. Born in 2013, he can be found, or perhaps smouldering bits of him can be found in any part of New Eden. Yet to kill anyone, he wonders if New Eden was the solution, then what was the problem? He occaisionally puts his findings into words or music.

  • Liner Xiandra

    Errrhm. Okay.

  • Ha ha ha, so good, my friend. This might be your best work to-date…bravo!

  • GrouchyOldGamer

    Tea is the the great civilising force known to man, along with cricket is separates us humans from Americans. Without it we’d all be …. calling each dude and watching ‘World Cups’ with only one country playing.

    Be holy, drink tea.

    • Cabon Scout

      You Brits – I’m assuming that’s what you are – always put a smile on my face:-)

      • GrouchyOldGamer

        I’m English, I like to make that clear because British implies I may have something to do with Scotland

        • Niden

          I defer to Rent-boy: “Some hate the English. I don’t. They’re just wankers. We, on the other hand, are COLONIZED by wankers. Can’t even find a decent culture to be colonized BY.”

          • GrouchyOldGamer

            You’re lucky the Welsh hadn’t worked out how to saddle sheep or they would have rode up there and fucked you up.

          • xanderphoena

            Mate, they learned how to saddle sheep just fine. It just wasn’t for the intended purpose of transportation…

          • Noragen

            Straddle sheep perhaps?

          • Isy

            Now yer offending me kin further down the road. What’s wrong with the welsh?

        • I try not to have anything to do with Scotland. It would only encourage them.

        • Kamar Raimo

          Ahh, the scots. The only Celtic people who never got the memo about how to make trousers.

        • Isy

          My great great great great great grandpappy comes from Argyle. So I say; what’s wrong with Scotland?

      • MuricaFTW

        I agree, they are cute silly folk

    • Niden

      “separates us humans from Americans.” this line. +1. Carry on.

    • Niko Lorenzio

      Normally I would applaud you but you probably put milk in your tea like a common barbarian. Ugh..

      • GrouchyOldGamer

        We invented tea, you known nothing Niko Lorenzio

    • ApocalypseSoon

      the fact that you watch sports, let alone the #1 3rd world sport on Earth, tells us all we need to know.


  • Kamar Raimo

    Now I understand why the Dutch lost the East India Company to the British. Our trade with South America lured us into the fatal embrace of coffee drinking culture. Once we were a great nation of philosophers, scientists and artists with a global trade network. Look at us now. We can’t even qualify for the European Cup anymore!

  • Clerical Terrors

    I always knew my trea drinking would one day hold the key to my salvation!

  • schwaboy

    My initial reaction was to laugh off this article as ridiculous. It took me a couple of minutes, but I see the truth now, and I thank you for this piece.

    • GrouchyOldGamer

      grrr coffee

  • blackhuey

    That was sort of like reading a Gevlon Goblin post, except it was coherent and amusing. I’m very confused.

    • Kamar Raimo

      Confirming: Luobotekong is the Gevlon Goblin of CZ. Our RMT is also rededicated to fund his Grr Goons campaign as we speak.

      • Not Grr Goons. Only Grr the important things – like coffee. And I am anyones for a nice brew.

        • Isy

          I’m a tea man myself. Though not the kind of tea you consume. Of course.. I’m only an American.

    • Isy

      Well done, oh well done! I love this comment! Aye, I completely agree.

  • Freelancer117

    you forget something:

    condensed Milk to rule them all 🙂

    Regards, a Freelancer

    • Popular in India I’ve heard. This could be the future.

  • Shadow’s Revenge


  • Saint Michael’s Soul


  • Pepizaur

    Recently my office (in USA#1) had a bit of a progressive streak and installed a tea bar of sorts. It was well received and I was happy to sip my cup’o’joe while the ladies of the office babbled on about which tea was their favorite. It gave me hope that a peaceful state of coexistence could emerge from centuries of beverage based barbarism. This tranquil state of Tea-quaffery has sadly been brought to end by your article. I cannot simply abide such flagrant Drink supremacy and I have thrown the tea bar out on the steet below, driven over it repeatedly and lit it on fire. The ladies will have to go back to discussing which creamers are their favorites.

    • As William Gibson said, “The street finds purposes for such things”. I fear your attempt at Tea oppression will backfire badly.

  • Saratje

    And so, coffee just isn’t your cup of tea.